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Friday, October 29, 2004 Don't take things for granted. Don't think that when something goes well, u can do anything u wan and leave God aside. Remember, God is the one who provides u with these blessings. Don't take it for granted and forget about God. Things can do down again.My mind's in a whirl. Seriously, i know i don't deserve anything. But reali, it reali touched me. Reali make me feel ashamed, pai seh. I don't wana take this for granted. I still wana pray whenever i have bad thoughts. I still wana give thanks to God. I still wan to stop the bad thoughts. But 1 word to descibe how i feel now is overjoyed. I'm gona change. I wan to. Because of You. To stop sinning. To continue to trust in You even when i'm feeling down and when i don't feel close to You. Thursday, October 28, 2004 I don't wana sin. Yet it comes once again. Stupid old habits will come again. Sian. Its reali sian. Giving stupid reasons to sin.. Feeling down? Feeling frustrated? Feeling aimless? Feeling happy? SIN! Yay let's all sin when we are feeling down. Let's all sin when we are feeling happy. Balls to u!! Sorry for the sarcasm. Just needed to let it out.Anyone feeling down or feel that God is far from you. Hold on! He's always there for You. Don't think that sinning can make you happier. Maybe just for awhile but after that all the shit comes. Bad habits start to come back. Your character becomes worse, your attitude to others become worse. Sinning again would be easier. You won't be able to be youself. Hiding behind a mask because you are ashamed of what you did. BUT don't be afraid to acknowledge your sins, be sorry for them. God is welcoming you back with open arms. With love. I don't think as a Father He would want to see you suffering. But if its to strengthen you, He will let you go through it. You think He wouldn't be hurt to see you suffering? As a Father i'm sure he would. Wednesday, October 27, 2004 Saw this in doggiesite forum. Tot it might be nice to share it.http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/windowmovie.html Duno y but feel kinda sian. Everything's going fine but again the emptiness is there. Tot about it, my character is reali screwed up. It's like starting all over again. The guilt, the low self confidence and all the shit. Have lost frens because of this and dun wana let it happen again. I don't need any pity or wad. Big balls. Losing the feel of praying. I don't wana sin again, reali sux. Pride is reali a beginning of a fall. Trust what JR said. Its reali true. So always keep yourself in check. To happier and more important stuff! All the best man jeremy 4 yr exams! You can do it! Whoever's taking their Os! We can do it! haha. Tuesday, October 26, 2004 I know its kinda long so if any of you have Catholic News just turn to page 7 and you can read it there. Easier to read on newspaper somemore. I tink any person of any religion can read this coz it really applies to us.Taken from Catholic News, October 24th and 31st, 2004. Why it is so hard to admire without seeking to own By Fr Ronald Rolheiser THE award winning Broadway play, children of a Lesser God, tells an interesting story of how love can go wrong, even when it seems like it's going right. The story focuses on a spirited young woman who is deaf. Intelligent, sensitive, and wounded, she resists most attempts to help her, until one day a gifted teacher, a man her own age, enters her life. For a while she resists both his live and his efforts to help her, but eventually trust grows in her and she opens up to him. They fall in love and, for a while, things are wonderful and he helps open her to the world. But then the story takes a curious turn. At one point, a huge tension begins to grow up between them. She feels guilty about it, sensing she should be grateful, even as resentment and anger continue to grow in her. For his part he can't help feeling angry because he feels himself being pushed away after all he has done for her. The tension eventually produces a storm, a big one, lots of anger, lots of shouting, lots or recrimination, and a calm afterwards. In that calm, she, still feeling guilty, apologises and tells him she feels badly because he has been such a great teacher and she owes so much to him. But the storm has taught him its lesson. He now knows the reason for her resentment. In essence, he puts it this way: "I've been a good teacher and have loved you, up to a point, but now I realise what I was really doing. In effect, I was saying this to you: 'Grow, but not so much that you don't need me any more. Understand yourself, but not better than I understand you. Be free, but not of my expectations for you.' I offered you my love and help... as long as I dictate how you use them." Cause of our deepest struggle Perhaps the deepest struggle we have (psychologically, morally, and spiritually) is with possessiveness and what that triggers in us, restlessness, jealousy, greed and manipulation. Something inside our very DNA makes us want to possess whatever is beautiful and to have exclusively for ourselves whatever we love. It's no accident that there are two commandments against jealousy. From a toddler's tantrum over his mother's inattention to the sexual jealousy so universal in adulthood, we see that it's hard to look at what attracts us and respond only with gratitude and admiration. For this reason, when we should be feeling wonderful, we often feel unsettled, restless, obsessed, and jealous in the face of beauty and love. Etty Hillesum gives us an honest expression of this in her insightful memoir, An Interrupted Life: "And here I have hit upon something essential. Whenever I saw a beautiful flower, what I longed to do with it was press it to my heart, or eat it all up. It was more difficult with a piece of beautiful scenary, but the feeling was the same. I was too sensual, I might almost write too greedy. I yearned physically for all I thought was beautiful, wanted to own it. Hence the painful longing that could never be satisfied, the pining for something I thought unattainable, which I called my creative urge. I believe it was this powerful emotion that made me think that I was born to produce great works. It all suddenly changed , God alone knows by what inner process, but it is different now. I realised it only this morning when i recalled my short walk round the Skating Club a few nights ago. It was dusk, soft hues in the sky, mysterious silhouettes of houses, trees alive with the light through the tracery of their branches, in short, enchanting. And then I knew precisely how I had felt in the past. Then all the beauty would have gone like a stab to my heart and I would not have known what to do with the pain. Then I would have felt the need to write, to compose verses, but the words would still have refused to come. I would have felt utterly miserable, wallowed in the pain and exhausted myself as a result. The experience would have sapped all my energy... but its beauty now filled me with joy ...I no longer wanted to own it. I went home invigorated." What do we do with our possessiveness? Good spirituality and good psychology agree that the answer lies in a healthy maturity that can admire without seeking to own and love without seeking to manipulate. But that's easier said than done. We don't change our deepest instincts. (John of the Cross cal Monday, October 25, 2004 I think this blog is screwing me and my mind up.Sunday, October 24, 2004 Juz came back from hougang wif the siao gang. Had alot of fun playing pool and having supper. Walked back from hougang after supper as we didnt had much money and taxis don't accept nets. Didn't feel tired while walking back but wah when reach home legs super tired man. Celebrated bird's birthday today, smashed him wif water bombs and corn flour ahah was fun man. After that went momo's house for dinner. Ordered pizza and kfc. Very sorry man jeremy and siva for like letting u all eat onli after we have eaten. Was afraid if i like gave u guys food the rest will be unhappy. I know if it was me will surely feel like shit. But all tok oso no action. Balls.Prayer of the moment: Jesus, thank You for helping me be able to control my emotions. Help me to be humble and gentle with my words and actions. Help me to be able to control my anger. Thank You Jesus. Feeling kinda insecure. Going a little paranoid. Really wana see you and tok to you. Saturday, October 23, 2004 WHOOO!! Juz came back from meeting jeremy. Thanks man for the 'lesson'. Anyway didn't feel like praying just now, but now got the feeling back again. I know i shouldn't rely on feelings to pray but thank God for His mercy and always helping me.Prayer of the moment: Jesus, thank You for helping me up when i'm down. Thank You for Your mercy on me. Help me to be grateful always and not taking things for granted. Help me to have faith in You even when i'm down and rely on You always. Help me not to always rely on my feelings but to trust in You. Friday, October 22, 2004 Just came back from soccer. Now just waiting to meet the siao gang. No one deserves anything, so do i. Dom, no one deserves to see yr lanjiao bin. No one deserves to see your anger. No one deserves your shit. If any of you see this i'm sorry guys for the way i acted. Tmr's the bird's birthday, i tink his gona get messed up like siao man. Toked to my uncle in the afternoon, he told me his views on the matter and i guess different age group really have different thinking. Kinda confused.Prayer of the moment: Jesus, help me to control my temper. Help me not to be so self-centered. Help me to be grateful for the things i already have and not expecting more. Thank You Jesus. Let's just continue as we are, improve our relationship with each other and see how things go. =) Whooo so tired man. Woke up early 2day! Abt 2+ den loboed at home for awhile den went down for breakfast with the MPs. After that went to kick soccer. During soccer was damm dulan. Reali felt like wacking, tho i noe i wun. Thank God for helping me to keep my cool. After soccer, went to momo's house. Suppose to play monopoly but in the end watch the new police story. Nice show! After that went home then met jeremy for supper. Guess u oso kinda stress since now exams, u not robot. Thanks man for taking the effort to give me your views. Now at home, just chatted with michelle online. Played some msn games. Wah didn't noe tic tac toe oso got tactics till now and solitaire showdown is kinda fun oso. So many things to tell you and to ask you. 
Thursday, October 21, 2004 Go placidly amid the noise and haste,and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Saw this entry in my fren's blog and found it very meaningful so decided to post it up. All credit goes to Kareen. P.S. If u dun wan me to post up this entry please let me know, err maybe in msn or juz write in your blog. Thanks! What a tiring day. woke up at 11.20 den met sam to go look for guitars. Went to peninsular, bras basah, parklane i tink and peace centre. Didn't noe that there were such nice guitars, i tink if i had interest in guitars sure broke! Helped jeremy buy his man u jersey at peninsular, ahhh make me gian! Later met up wif jeremy at central macs den went back to north. Went to the soccer court and juz kick kick awhile. Was feeling kinda pissed so ramming the ball was kinda song. I'm just afraid i will one day juz lose my temper and that will suck. Later went outside michelle's house for a tok cock cum badminton cum carrom session. Was reali fun. Later met jeremy again, had a drink and had our usual tok cock session. Met sam later and went to 711 to get a drink and for sam mash potatoes! Also shared with him the 2 for $2 hershey's bar, btw cannot mix and match all the hershey's onli can buy the cookies and cream one. I think because of that i pissed aunty susan off. Balls. Feeling kinda guilty about it. Well, had a great tok juz now. Sitting beside you, looking at photos and juz being ourselves was reali great. I reali thank You God for that. Prayer of the moment: Jesus, thank You. Thank You for improving our relationship with each other. Thank You for helping me to have hope and show me what hope brings. Help me not to take things for granted when things are going well. Help me not to be over confident and to watch my tongue and actions. Still holding on. Thank you for opening up. If we both have the courage you never know where this will lead to. Wednesday, October 20, 2004 What a boring game. Just watched the man u sparta match. Only the last few minutes of the game were exciting. Woke up at 4.45 2day, went down to eat with penguin and momo. Later met penguin and sam for badminton, didn't play long abt 1 hour plus. After that had supper with sam, supper with sam was fun, being able to tok about so many tings and even 'planning' to start up a pool centre. Later met jeremy for a drink and had a tok cock session. Please don't judge people by their looks, you might just miss knowing a good fren. But i believe that in any friendship or relationship, God's hands must be in it.Well, felt much better today. i don't reali noe y but i'm hoping its not coz i've given up hope already. Prayer of the moment: Jesus, thank You for letting me feel better and happier. Help me not to be over confident and lose sight of You in times of happiness. I'm not giving up just yet. Tuesday, October 19, 2004 Who am I? I can't even answer that question. What is life? I think no one can answer that. Have been kinda down the past few days, but thank God that He has put people like Jeremy in my life to at least offer me frank advice. Thanks man for being truthful and for just being there. Realised that i have been running away from the truth and reality in life for most of my life. Not daring to be me. Even starting this blog made me think for a long time about it. Always wanting to please others. This isn't all bad but for how long can i hide? Kinda fooking sian about it. AHHHHHHHH FRUS AH! Damm FRUS.At this period of time, the thing i'm most afraid of is hurting my close and loved ones. I'm reali sorry if i did hurt any of you. Prayer for the moment : Jesus, help me to help myself. Help me to trust in You and never give up hope in You. Please help me to be able to be myself and live according to what You would want, not what others want of me. For now i will hang on, i don't know for how long. I believe love is a beautiful thing even though i don't know what it means. I'm not ready to give up just yet.
Monday, October 18, 2004 Testing 1 2 3 |
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