A simple life?

Monday, May 29, 2006

The lobohias went to the zoo and ecp for dinner as a surprise farewell to ken and loong yesterday! Although our plans and mood were slightly ruined by the rain, we had fun. I think there will be many pics soon to come!

I really hate to complain but well gotta get this off my mind.

I wish i was healthy mentally. I really do.

I wish that i wouldn't have the problem of thinking that people are talking about me. This doesn't just happen to outsiders i don't know. It happens even to the people i'm closest to. It really affects my relationship with them and this isn't normal at all.

I wish that i wouldn't have the problem of thinking and feeling people are watching me.

I wish i wasn't so easily tense. I start to do and say things without thinking. I can't sleep. I can't focus. I lose my appetite. I start puking. I can't do the things i wana do. Now i'm afraid i can't go ahead with my motor lessons which i really wana do.

I wish i wasn't so uncomfortable around unfamiliar people. I wasn't like this before. I could mix around, joke, share stuff and even listen and help them if they have problems. I know that people move on in their own lives and i can't always depend on just a few friends. Not that i don't treasure them but i just wana be able to mix around with others comfortably.

This is really taking a toll on me.

Feeling so frustrated because of all this crap and this is leading to alot of anger building up. Getting more impatient and easily pissed off. This isn't the way i want to be and i know this isn't who i am man.

I really thank God for the people around me. T and my bros especially. They've been really patient and understanding and i can't thank them enough. But i hate to be a bother to them. I wish that i could just be perfectly healthy and normal. People would say, what are family and friends for. But it feels like shit when you can't do stuff on your own and when people have to sacrifice for you. I really wana be the one helping them whenever i can and not be a burden.

I wish that i can lead a normal life without all this crap.

Having to deal with all this crap really feels like shit when i just wana hang out with my friends and have a good time. I wish that i can enjoy and just feel comfortable everytime i go out with my friends. But. I wish there wasn't a but, but there's a but. But, at times i can't. When the anxiety sets in, everything just goes haywire. The words i say. The thoughts. The feelings. The stomach. The whole mood just gets affected badly. I'm afraid, damm afraid that i would say or do things which would hurt or offend them unknowingly.

I know problems come and go in life but this is kinda abit overwhelming.

I hate to be so self centered. But, just gotta get this out and at this hour, what else but the blog yea?

Anyhow, just have to continue the sessions with the doctor and i have this strong feeling that everything would go well in the end, just how long it takes only. I wish it would happen instantly.

What's keeping me going is the little faith i have, T and my 3 bros. I thank God for them. I thank You God for just being there.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:5